Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Humpty Dumpty

I have had a great fall…and I am broken into a million little pieces…

I have been walking the narrow wall of teenage parenting…and today I fell. Fell victim to the biggest lie…my kids will appreciate everything I do for them and act accordingly. They will drop at my feet and worship my sacrifices, give me loving praise, and to show me their devotion…will do the dishes, clean up their room, and give me a kiss on the cheek before brushing their teeth and going to bed.

I fell victim to wanting approval from my kids…for all that I have done…for all the love I have given them…for the trade-offs made to make their lives the best I can. It was an honest mistake, a human one…I needed love…I needed someone to care…I needed someone with skin to tell me I am okay…to appreciate me.

So here I sit, broken in tiny pieces and too exhausted to put humpty dumpty back together again. Where can I turn? The answer is back to the One that I turned to in 1996 when I first realized how broken I was. Back to God…the one that saves me from myself.

It sounds all too sweet…too cliché. But it is real. God is the only one that will save me. Will love me the way I should be loved…will appreciate me for the person He made me to be when He conceived of me. Only, He isn’t here…in the physical sense that is. He can’t back me up with the kids, hold me when I am falling to pieces, or discipline the kids when I have holed up in the back of my dark closet…

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again…but God can. Funny…after all the times He has come with the super glue…He keeps coming...patiently, lovingly putting me back together again…when I am too exhausted to manage it myself…when I am too busy buying the lies.

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