Do Over...

Is it possible to get a “do over”? I want one…not because I feel I need to right a wrong; not because I want to take something back that I said; not because I simply messed up. No, I want a do over because my kids have grown up and I’m not ready…

How does it happen? It seems like just yesterday I found myself a single mom. Then E was 7 months old and J was 3 years old, and now E is 15 and J is 18…a man…an adult!

Today E and I walked to the elementary school so that she could work on her hitting and pitching. When we were done and I was walking the track…silent tears hit my cheeks. Why can’t I have the time back? Why can’t I be sitting in the gym waiting for J to play a revolutionary soldier and E to play a recycling cheerleader? Where did all the time go?

I write this as J heads to watch the Westview girls play in the state soccer championship…his high school career finished. Where did the time go? Just yesterday we were checking mountain passes for snow so we knew the best route for a soccer game in Bend…

One of the hardest things about being a single mom is that we tend to just survive the moments…instead of enjoying them. We are too exhausted to do otherwise…we have so much to do…so much to organize.

Today I want a do over…I want to stop trying to orchestrate everything, live in each moment, and love each interaction with the kids. The interactions of today are different, but they are still moments…still memories…still love. It’s never too late. I may not get the do over that I dream of (starting back at kindergarten and reliving the moments), but I do get a do over in terms of attitude…I can look for the good in each interaction…each moment…each word. I can smile at past memories and focus on living in the new ones…

I’m not ready for E and J to grow up, but I am getting used to it. Life isn’t over…it is a continuation. I do get a do over of sorts…today I choose to enjoy each moment and make new memories to add to the fabulous ones of the past. Today I get a “perspective” do over. I challenge each of you to do the same...whether a single mom, a married mom, an aunt, or grandma...live in each moment...make memories...and think upon the good in it all...past, present and future.

The Lonelies

Cath & I were just discussing yesterday how we've kinda dropped the ball with regard to blogging. It's not for lack of work; there has been lots of activity, not the least of which is our first fundraising effort. But if you're like me, you know it's easy to put your head down, dig in, work a lot...and feel totally disconnected from the human race. And *then* I wonder why I feel so lonely...

I'm always amazed that my daughter is so young but she *gets* it. She knows, every now and again, to declare it Jamma Day and just hang around, chilling. I'm sure she did not learn this from me. She wants to snuggle on the couch, watch too much TV and connect with me, while I'm...looking at my watch and thinking how much there is to do.

Call it the Clash of the Types: I'm an A (maybe even an A+!) and E is somewhere lower in the alphabet. Perhaps a Q or so. But I don't sense in her the (sometimes inherent) loneliness I feel from moving constantly. It seems she knows how to unplug, charge up and re-group.

I wonder: Did I know this long ago, before life caught up with me?

I'm so thankful for a business partner like Cath, to whom I can say, "I'm just struggling and I feel alone" and know she doesn't feel tasked with fixing anything. My friend Rebecca filled that bill last weekend, and my brother the other day. Perhaps as single moms, we need that connection even m0re, so we can turn back around and plug into our kids again, successfully, rather than losing all our juice. Not to mention plug into each other so we can keep encouraging and keep going.

I know the disconnect is temporary, and that I'm less alone than I think. But maybe it's during these times that we learn the good reminder to stop and reach out, instead of treading even faster.

Easy Does It

I got to spend time with a good friend this week--one who knows so much about me that we simply pick up where we left off. In the four or five years since we've seen each other, we've navigated middle- and high-school transitions, full-time employment, relational quandaries, second-floor bathroom overflows that require holes cut into first-floor ceilings...the usual. There's an absence of judgment and an abundance of laughter. My petite blonde friend is raising three active boys, so her looks deceive: She has a core of titanium underneath the slim exterior.

We laughed about how lax we've become, as moms, as the years pass: What once would have sent us in a panic to the ER now merits an unsterile Band-Aid, haphazardly applied. She noted that a woman she knows refuses to let her boys play with pretend guns at home. But she has no problem asking my friend if her boys could come over to play with her boys' pretend guns. And, somehow, this woman is the better mom for it. Go figure.

The further I slog down the Mommy Superhighway, I'm finding I know less, not more. I thought my utter dedication and tireless supervision would keep life in line, but there's so much over which we have zero control. My girl's heart gets bruised with some regularity. Plans change, people leave, life is terribly unfair. I get crabby when I'm feeling overworked and underappreciated.

I wish someone would have told me early on that diligence is fine and all, but Easy Does It should be the new mom's mantra. I think I'd have fewer gray hairs and more good memories, less stress and more fun. I wouldn't have gone as ballistic years ago when I saw my then-toddler sharing her ice cream with the dog (one lick for her, one lick for him), or as wigged out over a 104-degree temp that barely slowed her down.

I'm hopeful, as Eve's Daughters progresses, that we'll have more stories based in an easier-going reality--of times when cereal suffices for dinner, when cleaning the toilet gets waylaid for a game of tickle, when an outing for $1 ice cream is doable even on the tight budget. When Easy Does It becomes a way of life.

How have you simplified?

-Karen-

All Things New

It's become my favorite time of year. I love September because, to me, it signifies a clean slate, a grand re-do. Close your eyes: Remember the sawdusty smell of freshly sharpened #2 pencils? A new tip meant a new start: mulligans for all, with hope abounding.

My girl came home from her first day of middle school and said it was “awesome.” My heart leapt, relieved, as I’d been wondering about her all day. She had teased me this morning, asking if I was going to cry like I did when she started first grade.

I told her today was kinda like first grade again, but she was taller.

Fresh lunchbox, fresh backpack, fresh start. My heart aches, grateful.

I cannot tell you how or why, but it feels like I’m getting a do-over as well. I have been quietly thankful, not entirely sure of the circumstances or how long they’ll last. But I feel supported, buoyed by a clear course. I’m no longer rudder-less as I was in the early days of my divorce. It feels to me like an early thanksgiving—purposeful but humble, jubilant but shy. It took a long time, but I’m becoming new.

I talked to an old friend tonight who’s known me since I was 12. I told her about this strange state I’m in; she told me I was due. The newness is tempered by the full knowing that life continues to twist and turn, to present challenges and those ubiquitous “growth opportunities” that “build character,” as if we need any more of that. Things will break; homework will perplex; doctors’ bills will come. Nothing really changes, but everything does, seemingly. Something has shifted, and I think it has to do with purpose, and direction, and understanding and maybe some hard-won wisdom.

I’m getting to see things, people transformed, and it’s pretty amazing. As bittersweet as it is to watch my girl grow, knowing she’ll need me less and less, it’s equally thrilling to watch My Girls (and I use that term with love) grow—the amazing single moms I’m meeting and learning about. I mean, how cool is that—that I get to be along for the journey?

I hope you enjoy the strange newness of the season as well—I’m finding what seems like an ending often is a beginning.

-Karen-

Love the moment...

I am really trying the "it's all good" mentality...honest! It is hard to change one's thinking from how hard life is to a moment by moment enjoyment of the little things in life...but I am trying.

I came across this plaque last weekend when I was shopping with a friend from college...I didn't buy it the first time I saw it...but when I went back to buy the "It's all Good" serving bowl...I picked it up. I figured I needed a reminder.


So here it sits on my desk...serving to bring me back to the good..."love the moment"...find the joy in each second. It is when I think about the past, worry about the future, or add it all together that I lose my perspective. It's then I start to see the glass half empty. So focus on the moment...the second that I am in.

It's as simple as watching the water come out of the hose as I water the plants. Each drop is like a little bubble dancing before it hits the ground. Or seeing the smile on my daughter's face as she talks about her community service project this morning or watching a squirrel gather nuts from our oak tree.

If I try to stay in the moment...the right now...the joy of the second. Will the seconds morph into minutes...then hours...then days... Is that how perspective changes? Is that how it turns from glass half empty...to glass full...

Want to join in the experiment? Love your moment...let me know how it goes...still trying to figure this all out...

Cathy

It's all good...

I have a friend that starts each day with “It’s all good”…she is rubbing off on me.

I have to admit, I have leaned toward the glass half empty frame of reference a lot of my life because I felt I wouldn’t get disappointed that way…I wouldn’t be hurt…I wouldn’t feel rejected. I thought it was a good strategy.

Maybe that “thought” wasn’t on target.

So at the risk of growing up a bit…I am trying it…the “It’s all good” strategy. So far so good! My daughter, Elizabeth, asked me why I was smiling the other day. “Just because”, I told her (imagine the look of shock, confusion, then shoulder shrug).

It feels good to think good thoughts. The alternative is not very fun. How come I didn’t see this before?

It feels good to look at the early morning sky, hear the birds chirp, see the squirrels climb trees, see the flowers bloom, the leaves on the trees dance in the breeze. I love the stars at night, and the cooling off from the hot summer day.

Even writing this takes practice…it’s a bit uncomfortable to be so hopeful. Breaking the habit of bracing for the worst…always on ready for the next shoe to drop…for the next crisis. Don’t get me wrong. I know the challenges will come. They have to for me to keep growing, for life to have variety, for life to have meaning. I have always “thought” life would be good if I won the lottery, was married to a fabulous man, had perfect kids, a perfectly run business, and had no problems. I am now able to start thinking that a “perfect” life might be boring…and would certainly not produce any growth in me. I think I do a lot of my growing through the challenges I face each day.

Want to join me on this new journey...focusing on the good in life…

“Filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse…Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies”. Philippians 4:8-9 (The Msg)

Cathy

Milestones

I have been doing a lot of thinking about milestones lately…milestones in work…milestones in marriage (my parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary)…milestones in growing up. The milestones in child-rearing are the ones that I spend the most time thinking about.

You see…I thought I was free and clear when my kids were old enough to stay at home by themselves…then old enough to drive…then old enough to watch the dog when I went out of town on business. I didn’t count on the old enough to talk back…old enough to want independence…old enough to spend the summer with Aunt Molly…old enough to go to college…old enough to leave me…

When our kids are younger we wait with the camera at ready to capture those “firsts” like rolling over, sitting up, walking, talking. Something happens along the way…between kindergarten and senior year…we are no longer so ready to pull out the camera and capture the milestones…the battles…the good-byes.

I don’t enjoy the fights about keeping the room clean, doing the laundry, setting a curfew, enforcing family time. What happened? All a natural evolution…just like rolling over…but oh…it sure isn’t as cute...and sometimes it hurts!

I have been spending a lot of time rationalizing my thoughts and feelings. “It is all normal,” I tell myself and continue with, “They are so much better off asserting their independence…this is the right thing for them…it isn’t about me!”

I don’t think it is just a single mom thing…but I think it might be more pronounced. In many instances our lives have been our kids…it has had to be. There just wasn’t enough time to take care of work, laundry, bills, kid activities, kid homework, and still have a life of my own. Don’t get me wrong…I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t do it any differently. But…when they gain that independence and they aren’t at home…I am left with myself. Left to wonder…what’s next? What do I like to do? Is it time to start achieving my own milestones…ones that are just about me?

It is a new game…a new day…one that has more time for me. I will still be here for the kids…but they don’t need me in the same way. It is different now. I need to adjust to the new life…to the new expectations…to the new reality. Time for me…huh?