So many of my sistahs--accomplished women of my age--have complained lately their propensity towards brainlessness. Is it our age? Circumstances? Hormonal imbalances? All I can say is it seems we'd all somehow agreed to share a brain, passing it around before we're really ready to, you know, like when we still could be using it. Mind you, I am privileged to hang with a really talented group of women, so we are all terribly chagrined about this sudden scourge of intelligence.
I regularly sit in my office, rolling my eyes toward the ceiling, trying to capture a word I'm thinking of...begins with a p...p p pppppa. This wouldn't be so bad if I weren't a writer. And when the other thoughts fly in--need dental floss, E's evening performance, sugar-free chocolate?--I take dictation on my little lime green Post-It pad: A life in stickies.
My daughter finds this hysterical--the notes stuck to the coffee pot, the calendar, the mirror. I glare at her and say I didn't used to be this way, before I was a mom. I used to have a life, a fully firing brain and goals. Not anymore. And it's been a bittersweet adjustment.
What I am realizing, however, is that it's all a trade off. I had my daughter at 34, and what I traded in energy from my 20s I (hopefully) made up for in patience and common sense. I am realizing that my calling to do Eve's Daughters, and to raise my own daughter well, necessitated that I lose some of my previous efficiency. It's requiring a transparency, a realness, a humility I didn't use to have. I had lose some of my polish to earn a different kind of glow, if you know what I mean--the kind that comes from recognizing that we're indeed growing older but perhaps deeper and more beautiful, less afraid and rigid. It impacts our work, our relationships and our mothering, but I find I have less to prove these days, and that, in itself, is pretty freeing.
How has your parenting changed as you've aged?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Sacrifices
As moms we make sacrifices daily. We do for our kids what we are wired to do, regardless of its common sense. It’s just what we do.
I am sick. I have been all week. I want to believe that it is a cold, I have been told it is an allergy…to a cat…my daughter’s cat…the one we bought to help her over a very traumatic time in her life. Now what?
My sister said it may be time to get rid of the cat…no…we can’t. My daughter needs the cat. I need her to have the cat. So I sacrifice. I head out for treatment, because that is what we moms do. We fix things. As is often the case, we fix us. Because we can control that…because we want our kids to be ok.
I am guessing that it is the same for all moms. But from my perspective as a single mom, we are really sensitive about our kids being okay, because we hear about how messed up they are going to be because they come from single parent homes. I will never forget the time I walked out of church, front row, with my kids and their friends because the pastor was telling the congregation the statistics of how messed up these poor single parented children are going to be when they grow up. My son looked at me and said, “Mom that isn’t going to be us”. Thanks Bubba, but I’m not so sure…you see I have a lot of guilt…our situation isn’t “normal”. Or so I’m told.
We want the best for our kids, and whether we were left or we did the leaving, we struggle to make things right…to make things “normal”. The 2000 Census says that 28% of homes with children under the age of 18 were heading by a single parent, of which 78% percent were headed by a female. So I guess that means that 28% is considered “abnormal” by many. I disagree.
So I sit here with barely a voice, runny nose, congested chest, and sore throat and wonder…how can I tell my body that it is wrong…it’s not an allergy…I’m a mom…we don’t do allergies to our children’s pets. How can I tell the world they are wrong? My “single mom” reaction to my allergy is most likely just how many “normal” moms living with a husband would react. We all make sacrifices…single moms and “normal” moms. It’s what we do…all of us moms.
I am sick. I have been all week. I want to believe that it is a cold, I have been told it is an allergy…to a cat…my daughter’s cat…the one we bought to help her over a very traumatic time in her life. Now what?
My sister said it may be time to get rid of the cat…no…we can’t. My daughter needs the cat. I need her to have the cat. So I sacrifice. I head out for treatment, because that is what we moms do. We fix things. As is often the case, we fix us. Because we can control that…because we want our kids to be ok.
I am guessing that it is the same for all moms. But from my perspective as a single mom, we are really sensitive about our kids being okay, because we hear about how messed up they are going to be because they come from single parent homes. I will never forget the time I walked out of church, front row, with my kids and their friends because the pastor was telling the congregation the statistics of how messed up these poor single parented children are going to be when they grow up. My son looked at me and said, “Mom that isn’t going to be us”. Thanks Bubba, but I’m not so sure…you see I have a lot of guilt…our situation isn’t “normal”. Or so I’m told.
We want the best for our kids, and whether we were left or we did the leaving, we struggle to make things right…to make things “normal”. The 2000 Census says that 28% of homes with children under the age of 18 were heading by a single parent, of which 78% percent were headed by a female. So I guess that means that 28% is considered “abnormal” by many. I disagree.
So I sit here with barely a voice, runny nose, congested chest, and sore throat and wonder…how can I tell my body that it is wrong…it’s not an allergy…I’m a mom…we don’t do allergies to our children’s pets. How can I tell the world they are wrong? My “single mom” reaction to my allergy is most likely just how many “normal” moms living with a husband would react. We all make sacrifices…single moms and “normal” moms. It’s what we do…all of us moms.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Rental Grandmas
I saw a piece on the local news tonight about Grannies for Rent. Seriously. Single, older women "adopted" kids of single moms. The older women don't have any family around, and the single moms don't have any grandparents handy. So, they spoil the kids rotten, spend holidays with them, develop relationships with the single parent family/extended family and do life together. Unfortunately, the story came over the wires from Poland. But they are so on to something over there...and it's exactly what we're hoping to do eventually with Eve's Daughters.
We recently lost a sweet sweet neighbor who was one of E's rental grandmas. It was especially hard because that kind of adoration--the kind with no strings attached--is beautiful and rare. I remembered my own grandmother who, by her own admission, made a better grandma than a mom. She was the one who took me to the Disney movie openings and to Big Boy for a hamburger afterwards. She was the one who told my mother (my MOTHER!) to lighten up when it came to being fashionable in the 1970s :) and the one who'd remind me that grades weren't the be all and end all.
Thing is, kids need this kind of attention and love, yet so few of us are near biological family these days...and sometimes, biological families aren't interested in that kind of relationship. But what about, for example, the youngish widow who has a lot of time and love and talent and chocolate chip cookies to give?
Cathy and I have been chewing on the notion of working with local senior populations as well, for this very reason. Tell us your thoughts: Is this something that would be a blessing to your family?
We recently lost a sweet sweet neighbor who was one of E's rental grandmas. It was especially hard because that kind of adoration--the kind with no strings attached--is beautiful and rare. I remembered my own grandmother who, by her own admission, made a better grandma than a mom. She was the one who took me to the Disney movie openings and to Big Boy for a hamburger afterwards. She was the one who told my mother (my MOTHER!) to lighten up when it came to being fashionable in the 1970s :) and the one who'd remind me that grades weren't the be all and end all.
Thing is, kids need this kind of attention and love, yet so few of us are near biological family these days...and sometimes, biological families aren't interested in that kind of relationship. But what about, for example, the youngish widow who has a lot of time and love and talent and chocolate chip cookies to give?
Cathy and I have been chewing on the notion of working with local senior populations as well, for this very reason. Tell us your thoughts: Is this something that would be a blessing to your family?
Monday, March 9, 2009
Garbage Strike
Dear Single Mom,
You are loved. You are special. You are enough. I know that at times it seems like the road is forever long with no end in sight. I know that there are days when it would be such a relief to have someone, anyone, give you a hug…shed a tear or two with you…and then graciously take out the garbage and recycling. I know because I have been there and today is garbage day.
I’ve heard it said that “we all have our roles to play”. Why does the single mom have so many? I hate garbage day…it is irrational but I have done the single mom thing for over 14 years, and for 14 years I have hated Monday nights…garbage night. I resent the heck out of it! Each Monday night, when I drag the cans to the curb, I am reminded that I am on my own…with the garbage, and all the other things that come with being “alone” without a husband.
The question I ask myself…why do I do it...why do I hold onto the garbage? I have a 17-year old and a 14-year old – why can’t they do garbage day? Sometimes they do…if I bug…if I nag…if I cry…if I throw a fit. They are good kids, but they have no radar into garbage day…
Could it be that I am not good at asking for help? Could it be that I feel a bit guilty that my kids grew up in a single parent household? Am I trying to make up for the “normal” life they didn’t have? Society has such a way of labeling us single moms as misfits and our kids as future delinquents. Maybe I am buying into it. Maybe it is time to liberate myself…maybe it is time to turn over garbage day to the kids…to realize that I have done the best possible job that I can…that I am a darn GOOD mom…and that my kids are growing up okay and will make positive contributions to the world. No amount of garbage can take that away from me!
“KIDS, come take out the garbage…and don’t forget the recycling!”
All you single mom's out there...hang in there...and remember it isn't a weakness to go on garbage strike!
You are loved. You are special. You are enough. I know that at times it seems like the road is forever long with no end in sight. I know that there are days when it would be such a relief to have someone, anyone, give you a hug…shed a tear or two with you…and then graciously take out the garbage and recycling. I know because I have been there and today is garbage day.
I’ve heard it said that “we all have our roles to play”. Why does the single mom have so many? I hate garbage day…it is irrational but I have done the single mom thing for over 14 years, and for 14 years I have hated Monday nights…garbage night. I resent the heck out of it! Each Monday night, when I drag the cans to the curb, I am reminded that I am on my own…with the garbage, and all the other things that come with being “alone” without a husband.
The question I ask myself…why do I do it...why do I hold onto the garbage? I have a 17-year old and a 14-year old – why can’t they do garbage day? Sometimes they do…if I bug…if I nag…if I cry…if I throw a fit. They are good kids, but they have no radar into garbage day…
Could it be that I am not good at asking for help? Could it be that I feel a bit guilty that my kids grew up in a single parent household? Am I trying to make up for the “normal” life they didn’t have? Society has such a way of labeling us single moms as misfits and our kids as future delinquents. Maybe I am buying into it. Maybe it is time to liberate myself…maybe it is time to turn over garbage day to the kids…to realize that I have done the best possible job that I can…that I am a darn GOOD mom…and that my kids are growing up okay and will make positive contributions to the world. No amount of garbage can take that away from me!
“KIDS, come take out the garbage…and don’t forget the recycling!”
All you single mom's out there...hang in there...and remember it isn't a weakness to go on garbage strike!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Twofers
I have this recurring nightmare about not teaching my kid enough basic life skills because I'm too busy doing other stuff, like obsessing or laundry, and then she'll be living with me when she's 41 and I'm *mumblemumble* 70-something. I think this is a universal mom concern, not just single moms. We're all just some busy chicks.
So my ED biz partner, Cathy, made a suggestion many weeks ago about having my 10-year-old daughter take ownership of one dinner a week, which I thought was brilliant. I broached it with E and she was delighted, maybe mostly because I told her she didn't have to do dishes on those nights. But we're several weeks into it and I tell ya, the girl is hauling: we're mincing and sauteing and creating. We're planning ahead, and defrosting and shopping. But mostly we're talking and teaching and learning, and that's the wonderful thing.
For some reason this year, I've been especially cognizant of 1) being in a midlife crisis and feeling terribly old and 2) recognizing that time is going by at warp speed. The two, for me, go hand in hand, so it's been kind of sweet to spend this time together--it achors something for me, as much as teaching her to brush her teeth, get dressed on her own, ride a bike or do an algebra problem.
How have you combined the teaching/"being" times in your households? Please share your wisdom in the Comments section...and thanks!
So my ED biz partner, Cathy, made a suggestion many weeks ago about having my 10-year-old daughter take ownership of one dinner a week, which I thought was brilliant. I broached it with E and she was delighted, maybe mostly because I told her she didn't have to do dishes on those nights. But we're several weeks into it and I tell ya, the girl is hauling: we're mincing and sauteing and creating. We're planning ahead, and defrosting and shopping. But mostly we're talking and teaching and learning, and that's the wonderful thing.
For some reason this year, I've been especially cognizant of 1) being in a midlife crisis and feeling terribly old and 2) recognizing that time is going by at warp speed. The two, for me, go hand in hand, so it's been kind of sweet to spend this time together--it achors something for me, as much as teaching her to brush her teeth, get dressed on her own, ride a bike or do an algebra problem.
How have you combined the teaching/"being" times in your households? Please share your wisdom in the Comments section...and thanks!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Biting the Lie
I bit it big-time yesterday. Presented with an over-the-top, publically presented, single mom success story of redemption and provision and relief, I bit the Big Lie (or at least one of the Top Ten Big Lies), which is that God loves other women better than me, because He's giving them an easier gig. In this story, people were practically tripping over themselves to help this single mom. She got almost everything she needed or wanted and then some. And a great new guy, too! I listened while holding my jaw in my lap and thought, "This is not my reality...or the reality of the single moms I know."
Truth is, the story was a set up. It was intended to look as good as possible. The problem with this, though, is it discounts and discourages the scads of other single parents who are doing the daily slog without the multiple blessings from heaven, without the fireworks. I call this Life in the Meantime (LITM), and it is the life I lead 99.9% of the time. It consists of 5th grade homework, milk shortages and medical lab results that suggest I have another something to deal with. It consists of working with other single moms--one who's going through the ringer, one who's doing better. The fabulous helpful spouse is apparently on back order. My toilets are dirty. I'm tired but managing.
LITM.
But I needed to remind myself, so I will do it here, for your benefit as well: LITM is holy work. It's honorable. It's not flashy or award-winning, but it's solid and necessary. It's my church, these days...the place where I show up, hoping to hang with God in and around the other stuff and other people who make me laugh, witness my tears and otherwise cheer me on. It's not neat, tidy or optimal, most days, but it's incredibly real and rich, in its own way.
I had to take some time, cry a little, talk to a friend, go for a walk with my girl and generally get back to basics to get past the lie. I don't want to cheapen my life, your life or what we're called to do on behalf of single parents by falling for the Good Life = God's Good Graces deal. Not to mention it cheapens God.
How much do you value LITM? What's your lie? And how do you come back to center?
Truth is, the story was a set up. It was intended to look as good as possible. The problem with this, though, is it discounts and discourages the scads of other single parents who are doing the daily slog without the multiple blessings from heaven, without the fireworks. I call this Life in the Meantime (LITM), and it is the life I lead 99.9% of the time. It consists of 5th grade homework, milk shortages and medical lab results that suggest I have another something to deal with. It consists of working with other single moms--one who's going through the ringer, one who's doing better. The fabulous helpful spouse is apparently on back order. My toilets are dirty. I'm tired but managing.
LITM.
But I needed to remind myself, so I will do it here, for your benefit as well: LITM is holy work. It's honorable. It's not flashy or award-winning, but it's solid and necessary. It's my church, these days...the place where I show up, hoping to hang with God in and around the other stuff and other people who make me laugh, witness my tears and otherwise cheer me on. It's not neat, tidy or optimal, most days, but it's incredibly real and rich, in its own way.
I had to take some time, cry a little, talk to a friend, go for a walk with my girl and generally get back to basics to get past the lie. I don't want to cheapen my life, your life or what we're called to do on behalf of single parents by falling for the Good Life = God's Good Graces deal. Not to mention it cheapens God.
How much do you value LITM? What's your lie? And how do you come back to center?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Give a Little Bit
Some of my more amazing single mom faith times have come when God mobilized someone just so when I needed it most, whether it was a timely phone call, a gift card, an opportunity. And you know how it is...You cry and sigh and blow your nose and think, "OK. Maybe I can do another day." The contact is life-giving on a cellular level.
So my brilliant beautiful friend Melinda just blew my doors off yesterday. You know how a simple idea can take on Einsteinian proportions? Please read her blog on Modus Operandi: +1, in which she describes living her daily life...plus one. That means one extra prayer, one extra lunch for someone who needs it, one extra meal, one extra note of encouragement. As moms, a normal battle cry is, "I'M DOING LAUNDRY...DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO PUT IN?" So +1 is along those lines, but bigger: If I'm doing something anyway...how can we stretch this out and help someone else?
I know I often feel overwhelmed, and then guilty, about not "serving" as much as I'd like to. There are a million worthy causes and only so many hours in the day. But Melinda's M.O. is so...streamlined! As a multi-tasking recovering-Type A kinda gal, I love that in a life-giving, life-changing call to action.
So, work with me here: What could you do to +1 in your normal routine? Choose a person to pray for? Donate a little extra? Check in on an elderly neighbor? I got to see one of my daughter's favorite teachers last night and learned she's expecting. I packed up a bunch of mom books for her this morning. Easy schmeezy fresh and cheesy, as we say in this house. A few moments and it was done on this end. Will Em's teacher review those books months (or years) from now and remember that they came at an exciting, wondering time?
Please think about this...and let us know how you're +1-ing it at your house, in your community, in your heart's prayers. Because you have to know: this is one of those things that goes exponential. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.
So my brilliant beautiful friend Melinda just blew my doors off yesterday. You know how a simple idea can take on Einsteinian proportions? Please read her blog on Modus Operandi: +1, in which she describes living her daily life...plus one. That means one extra prayer, one extra lunch for someone who needs it, one extra meal, one extra note of encouragement. As moms, a normal battle cry is, "I'M DOING LAUNDRY...DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO PUT IN?" So +1 is along those lines, but bigger: If I'm doing something anyway...how can we stretch this out and help someone else?
I know I often feel overwhelmed, and then guilty, about not "serving" as much as I'd like to. There are a million worthy causes and only so many hours in the day. But Melinda's M.O. is so...streamlined! As a multi-tasking recovering-Type A kinda gal, I love that in a life-giving, life-changing call to action.
So, work with me here: What could you do to +1 in your normal routine? Choose a person to pray for? Donate a little extra? Check in on an elderly neighbor? I got to see one of my daughter's favorite teachers last night and learned she's expecting. I packed up a bunch of mom books for her this morning. Easy schmeezy fresh and cheesy, as we say in this house. A few moments and it was done on this end. Will Em's teacher review those books months (or years) from now and remember that they came at an exciting, wondering time?
Please think about this...and let us know how you're +1-ing it at your house, in your community, in your heart's prayers. Because you have to know: this is one of those things that goes exponential. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.
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