Rental Grandmas

I saw a piece on the local news tonight about Grannies for Rent. Seriously. Single, older women "adopted" kids of single moms. The older women don't have any family around, and the single moms don't have any grandparents handy. So, they spoil the kids rotten, spend holidays with them, develop relationships with the single parent family/extended family and do life together. Unfortunately, the story came over the wires from Poland. But they are so on to something over there...and it's exactly what we're hoping to do eventually with Eve's Daughters.

We recently lost a sweet sweet neighbor who was one of E's rental grandmas. It was especially hard because that kind of adoration--the kind with no strings attached--is beautiful and rare. I remembered my own grandmother who, by her own admission, made a better grandma than a mom. She was the one who took me to the Disney movie openings and to Big Boy for a hamburger afterwards. She was the one who told my mother (my MOTHER!) to lighten up when it came to being fashionable in the 1970s :) and the one who'd remind me that grades weren't the be all and end all.

Thing is, kids need this kind of attention and love, yet so few of us are near biological family these days...and sometimes, biological families aren't interested in that kind of relationship. But what about, for example, the youngish widow who has a lot of time and love and talent and chocolate chip cookies to give?

Cathy and I have been chewing on the notion of working with local senior populations as well, for this very reason. Tell us your thoughts: Is this something that would be a blessing to your family?

Garbage Strike

Dear Single Mom,
You are loved. You are special. You are enough. I know that at times it seems like the road is forever long with no end in sight. I know that there are days when it would be such a relief to have someone, anyone, give you a hug…shed a tear or two with you…and then graciously take out the garbage and recycling. I know because I have been there and today is garbage day.

I’ve heard it said that “we all have our roles to play”. Why does the single mom have so many? I hate garbage day…it is irrational but I have done the single mom thing for over 14 years, and for 14 years I have hated Monday nights…garbage night. I resent the heck out of it! Each Monday night, when I drag the cans to the curb, I am reminded that I am on my own…with the garbage, and all the other things that come with being “alone” without a husband.

The question I ask myself…why do I do it...why do I hold onto the garbage? I have a 17-year old and a 14-year old – why can’t they do garbage day? Sometimes they do…if I bug…if I nag…if I cry…if I throw a fit. They are good kids, but they have no radar into garbage day…

Could it be that I am not good at asking for help? Could it be that I feel a bit guilty that my kids grew up in a single parent household? Am I trying to make up for the “normal” life they didn’t have? Society has such a way of labeling us single moms as misfits and our kids as future delinquents. Maybe I am buying into it. Maybe it is time to liberate myself…maybe it is time to turn over garbage day to the kids…to realize that I have done the best possible job that I can…that I am a darn GOOD mom…and that my kids are growing up okay and will make positive contributions to the world. No amount of garbage can take that away from me!

“KIDS, come take out the garbage…and don’t forget the recycling!”

All you single mom's out there...hang in there...and remember it isn't a weakness to go on garbage strike!

Twofers

I have this recurring nightmare about not teaching my kid enough basic life skills because I'm too busy doing other stuff, like obsessing or laundry, and then she'll be living with me when she's 41 and I'm *mumblemumble* 70-something. I think this is a universal mom concern, not just single moms. We're all just some busy chicks.

So my ED biz partner, Cathy, made a suggestion many weeks ago about having my 10-year-old daughter take ownership of one dinner a week, which I thought was brilliant. I broached it with E and she was delighted, maybe mostly because I told her she didn't have to do dishes on those nights. But we're several weeks into it and I tell ya, the girl is hauling: we're mincing and sauteing and creating. We're planning ahead, and defrosting and shopping. But mostly we're talking and teaching and learning, and that's the wonderful thing.

For some reason this year, I've been especially cognizant of 1) being in a midlife crisis and feeling terribly old and 2) recognizing that time is going by at warp speed. The two, for me, go hand in hand, so it's been kind of sweet to spend this time together--it achors something for me, as much as teaching her to brush her teeth, get dressed on her own, ride a bike or do an algebra problem.

How have you combined the teaching/"being" times in your households? Please share your wisdom in the Comments section...and thanks!

Biting the Lie

I bit it big-time yesterday. Presented with an over-the-top, publically presented, single mom success story of redemption and provision and relief, I bit the Big Lie (or at least one of the Top Ten Big Lies), which is that God loves other women better than me, because He's giving them an easier gig. In this story, people were practically tripping over themselves to help this single mom. She got almost everything she needed or wanted and then some. And a great new guy, too! I listened while holding my jaw in my lap and thought, "This is not my reality...or the reality of the single moms I know."

Truth is, the story was a set up. It was intended to look as good as possible. The problem with this, though, is it discounts and discourages the scads of other single parents who are doing the daily slog without the multiple blessings from heaven, without the fireworks. I call this Life in the Meantime (LITM), and it is the life I lead 99.9% of the time. It consists of 5th grade homework, milk shortages and medical lab results that suggest I have another something to deal with. It consists of working with other single moms--one who's going through the ringer, one who's doing better. The fabulous helpful spouse is apparently on back order. My toilets are dirty. I'm tired but managing.

LITM.

But I needed to remind myself, so I will do it here, for your benefit as well: LITM is holy work. It's honorable. It's not flashy or award-winning, but it's solid and necessary. It's my church, these days...the place where I show up, hoping to hang with God in and around the other stuff and other people who make me laugh, witness my tears and otherwise cheer me on. It's not neat, tidy or optimal, most days, but it's incredibly real and rich, in its own way.

I had to take some time, cry a little, talk to a friend, go for a walk with my girl and generally get back to basics to get past the lie. I don't want to cheapen my life, your life or what we're called to do on behalf of single parents by falling for the Good Life = God's Good Graces deal. Not to mention it cheapens God.

How much do you value LITM? What's your lie? And how do you come back to center?

Give a Little Bit

Some of my more amazing single mom faith times have come when God mobilized someone just so when I needed it most, whether it was a timely phone call, a gift card, an opportunity. And you know how it is...You cry and sigh and blow your nose and think, "OK. Maybe I can do another day." The contact is life-giving on a cellular level.

So my brilliant beautiful friend Melinda just blew my doors off yesterday. You know how a simple idea can take on Einsteinian proportions? Please read her blog on Modus Operandi: +1, in which she describes living her daily life...plus one. That means one extra prayer, one extra lunch for someone who needs it, one extra meal, one extra note of encouragement. As moms, a normal battle cry is, "I'M DOING LAUNDRY...DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO PUT IN?" So +1 is along those lines, but bigger: If I'm doing something anyway...how can we stretch this out and help someone else?

I know I often feel overwhelmed, and then guilty, about not "serving" as much as I'd like to. There are a million worthy causes and only so many hours in the day. But Melinda's M.O. is so...streamlined! As a multi-tasking recovering-Type A kinda gal, I love that in a life-giving, life-changing call to action.

So, work with me here: What could you do to +1 in your normal routine? Choose a person to pray for? Donate a little extra? Check in on an elderly neighbor? I got to see one of my daughter's favorite teachers last night and learned she's expecting. I packed up a bunch of mom books for her this morning. Easy schmeezy fresh and cheesy, as we say in this house. A few moments and it was done on this end. Will Em's teacher review those books months (or years) from now and remember that they came at an exciting, wondering time?

Please think about this...and let us know how you're +1-ing it at your house, in your community, in your heart's prayers. Because you have to know: this is one of those things that goes exponential. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

Accepting grace

Sometimes I get the grace reminder from a friend. Today I shared my thoughts with my two faith buddies on a daily devotional I received from Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life, http://www.saddlebackresources.com/en-US/PurposeDrivenLife/FreeResources/TodaysDevotional?a=2787&z=1.

“When we don’t believe God is determined to love us perfectly, we end up living like our best choice is to take care of ourselves. And then, we become so busy taking care of ourselves that we have little time for authentic, transparent, loving community with others.”

I related how I felt I was living that way right now. I am so involved in solving the crises in my own life that I feel I am neglecting my friends and family. Why can't I do it all? I so easily take on the role of God in my own life…I must take care of everything myself. Part of it is a control thing, and part of it is that I have a hard time believing that God really wants to love me...help me.

Then of course, God surfaces in the words of one of my buddies. She pointed out that, “Being in ‘community’ doesn’t necessarily mean that Cathy has to give to others, it could mean that Cathy gets to let others love her!”

My expectations for myself are different than my friend's expectations for me. She cuts me slack...grace. What a concept. I am so used to giving, that I forget (and frankly feel uncomfortable) about letting others help me. I think it is one of the curses of being a single mom. Afterall, I am alone, it is just me. It is my job to take care of everything. I forget that friends and family are there to help me. I forget how to let them in, how to accept help, and how to let them love me.

This single mom thing is a two-way street. We need people to be a blessing in our life, but we also need to be able to accept the blessing. I need to remember it isn’t a sign of weakness. Letting others in is a sign of healthy community…give and take…it takes both. Aaahh, I am still uncomfortable…

Girly Man

During our recent storm here, I found myself a little anxious. This is a regular occurrence that I experience (and have heard from other single moms) when things are out of the norm...meaning power outages, snowdrifts, freezing temps, floods, (probably) locusts, etc., put us a little on edge. I find myself hypervigilant during these times, feeling like I especially need to protect my daughter from the elements, make sure I keep the household going inside and out, have emergency supplies, etc. It's just little old me against a whole bunch of bad possibilities.

Some people watch the snow fall, lazily nursing a hot toddy or peppermint chocolate: I spend my time looking furtively with an eye tic, thinking of the million ways we could die.

So during our severe weatherage, I had a pipe burst outside and, in the subsequent Three Stooges-esque scramble to get the water main turned off, among other concerns, I came to the conclusion that I make a lousy guy. I didn't know what I was doing and I was overwhelmed and, frankly, all the guys I know would not have started bawling in frustration as I did after one thing tripped another and another and another.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me feel especially alone, even though my ex was the kind of guy who would have just said, "Call a plumber." There is something to be said for having another adult in the area to which you could comment, "Doesn't this just suck?" And he'd say, "It sure does suck." And you both could eyeball the damage together and agree on the suckitude of the situation.

So...Cathy wrote about our looking to get that safety net established and firmly entrenched for ED. I am piggybacking on her blog entry here simply because my plumbing story is so incredibly common. And it's not just plumbing we're interested in--We're looking to share knowledge across the board. I'm a firm believer that we all have something valuable to share...it's just a matter of organization. It's the old adage of teaching a man to fish--do we solve an immediate crisis, or do we also instruct on how to prevent or fix something for the long-term? My vote is for both. There is a lot to be said for instructing and encouraging single moms on a number of fronts, from changing a tire to bleeding a pipe, from stopping a leak to starting a class. While we all may remain girly men, in the nicest sense of the term, we also become stronger women and moms who get that graceful balance of asking for help and showing our kids what we're made of.

What knowledge do you have to share?