Yesterday I told Karen that I would blog...daily. I don't know if that was such a smart idea...but here goes (don't expect essays...maybe more random thoughts).
I just experienced an unexpected bonding moment with my teenage daughter. Tonight she validated my motherhood. I have often told myself that maybe when the kids were 30 or 40 years old they would see that I had their back, tried the best I could to be stable, offered a compassionate shoulder to cry on, and did the best I could to lessen the impact of divorce. I never imagined I would receive a glimpse of that grace when she was 15 years old.
Tonight we sat in the car and talked...about the divorce...about the ugliness. She was 7 months old when we split up. She says she doesn't know the truth about what happened...meaning who left who. Frankly, I don't know if the truth is that easily explained any more. It's probably a little bit of my truth and little bit of his. She says she will never know the truth, because there are "two sides", "two perceptions". She seemed okay with that. So did I.
In the midst of the conversation she looked at me and said I had "moved on", "grown up". My 15 year-old, so very much in the present, helped me see that I have mostly let go of the past. I don't need to fight...I don't need to explain my side...I don't need to make sure she gets how hard I try to be a good mom. She sees it. We live it.
So tonight, in a very unexpected moment, we both grew up. I could see in her eyes that she is going to be okay, and I felt the same for myself. It is so hard to know if we are doing a good job as moms. Especially when the kids are teenagers and they start to exert their independence. My lesson learned: just live life...be true to who you are...and know that one day they will see the sacrifices and love you give them. That grace may come sooner than you think. -Cathy
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A Little Bite of Reality
So. Cathy said I should blog. I would not have, frankly, without her prompting but she brought up a great point: This is what life looks like a lot of the time. At least be honest about it.
I got a call this morning before 8 am on my cell from my main boss-lady (I am a freelancer with several boss-ladies and a boss-guy). When that happens, I know something has gone terribly awry. Not one but two last-minute projects kinda blew up my day--this day...the day I'm supposed to working on Eve's Daughters stuff. Stressing to get my girl to school, I tried really really hard not to rip off her head and scream down the hole when she suggested she leave several dozen math problems (her least-favorite subject) until late tonight when they're due early tomorrow. Other little "mice" as my friend Kathy calls them--niggling little obnoxious things that go wrong at bad times--occurred, such as the kitchen faucet screen coming loose enough to spray water like a clown with seltzer all over my windows.
In the midst of this, I called a young women with whom I was to meet today--a single mom who's struggling. She asked apologetically if we could reschedule. I mouthed thankyaJesus so I could put out all the newly erupted fires. But then I thought: I know I need to be doing Eve's Daughters...I just don't know how I can be doing Eve's Daughters when life is crazy a lot of the time. I'm not in a position to be turning down paying work; again, as a freelancer, you have to take it as it comes. But am I working for money or God? I wish it truly were the latter but I'm telling you, He's got to pay better, you know?
So there's my honest confession, courtesy of Cathy, of saying reality kinda bites sometimes. I believe I know what I've been called to do; it's just that life gets in the way a lot of the time. And while I'm pretty sure that God will someday judge our progress with Eve's Daughters and proclaim me a major disappointment (because He always liked Cathy best), I try to remember to get out of my own way and not give myself too much credit--that I'm so terribly important that the world might just spin off its axis without me. You know. More or less.
So later this afternoon, when the fires died to embers, I took myself out for a walk and enjoyed the blustery smells. Then I made some dinner and wrote my to-do list for tomorrow and realized it will all keep going--Eve's Daughters included--with or without me. Em may be up late tonight doing math problems and learning a valuable lesson about time management. I probably don't have to micromanage that.
I wish I could wrap this up cleverly but I'm fresh out. Just know, moms, that we're all trying to figure it out. But at least we have each other. And we're keeping it honest.
I got a call this morning before 8 am on my cell from my main boss-lady (I am a freelancer with several boss-ladies and a boss-guy). When that happens, I know something has gone terribly awry. Not one but two last-minute projects kinda blew up my day--this day...the day I'm supposed to working on Eve's Daughters stuff. Stressing to get my girl to school, I tried really really hard not to rip off her head and scream down the hole when she suggested she leave several dozen math problems (her least-favorite subject) until late tonight when they're due early tomorrow. Other little "mice" as my friend Kathy calls them--niggling little obnoxious things that go wrong at bad times--occurred, such as the kitchen faucet screen coming loose enough to spray water like a clown with seltzer all over my windows.
In the midst of this, I called a young women with whom I was to meet today--a single mom who's struggling. She asked apologetically if we could reschedule. I mouthed thankyaJesus so I could put out all the newly erupted fires. But then I thought: I know I need to be doing Eve's Daughters...I just don't know how I can be doing Eve's Daughters when life is crazy a lot of the time. I'm not in a position to be turning down paying work; again, as a freelancer, you have to take it as it comes. But am I working for money or God? I wish it truly were the latter but I'm telling you, He's got to pay better, you know?
So there's my honest confession, courtesy of Cathy, of saying reality kinda bites sometimes. I believe I know what I've been called to do; it's just that life gets in the way a lot of the time. And while I'm pretty sure that God will someday judge our progress with Eve's Daughters and proclaim me a major disappointment (because He always liked Cathy best), I try to remember to get out of my own way and not give myself too much credit--that I'm so terribly important that the world might just spin off its axis without me. You know. More or less.
So later this afternoon, when the fires died to embers, I took myself out for a walk and enjoyed the blustery smells. Then I made some dinner and wrote my to-do list for tomorrow and realized it will all keep going--Eve's Daughters included--with or without me. Em may be up late tonight doing math problems and learning a valuable lesson about time management. I probably don't have to micromanage that.
I wish I could wrap this up cleverly but I'm fresh out. Just know, moms, that we're all trying to figure it out. But at least we have each other. And we're keeping it honest.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Self-Help
Yesterday I did what I haven't done in ages...I visited a self-help section at the bookstore. Not just any bookstore...but Powell's downtown! I am amazed at how many books there are on how to fix myself. Get happy...get skinny...get smart...stop letting people take advantage of you...live life with intention...find the man of your dreams...the list goes on...
Why was I there? I'm not really sure. I think I wanted to heal my life. What I realized in walking up and down the stacks of books...by an endless number of authors...is that I have all that I need to heal my life right inside of me. I don't need books. I just need me...and my God.
God knew what he was doing when he picked Paul to be one of his "go-to" guys. Saul/Paul...a man in need of some self-help if ever there was one. Until that road to Damascus...then his life changed...in an instant. God changed Paul...and Paul's words can help us change.
I don't know if God works such "in your face" miracles these days...but I do know that God can make the difference between a dreary life and a joyful one. It isn't something that just happens though...we need to do our part. We need to participate.
As the new decade unfolds I am committed to uncovering God's teachings on how to lead a joyful life...beginning with Philippians 4:8:
"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
At the highest level, it begins with God...and continues with understanding our place in Him. In its practical form, it begins with changing our thoughts. Changing what we think about...what we meditate upon.
What I realized when I walked out of Powell's without making a purchase is that I have the only book I need...I just need to read it...and meditate on it. I have God's Word...the Bible. The best self-help book around. - Cathy
Why was I there? I'm not really sure. I think I wanted to heal my life. What I realized in walking up and down the stacks of books...by an endless number of authors...is that I have all that I need to heal my life right inside of me. I don't need books. I just need me...and my God.
God knew what he was doing when he picked Paul to be one of his "go-to" guys. Saul/Paul...a man in need of some self-help if ever there was one. Until that road to Damascus...then his life changed...in an instant. God changed Paul...and Paul's words can help us change.
I don't know if God works such "in your face" miracles these days...but I do know that God can make the difference between a dreary life and a joyful one. It isn't something that just happens though...we need to do our part. We need to participate.
As the new decade unfolds I am committed to uncovering God's teachings on how to lead a joyful life...beginning with Philippians 4:8:
"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
At the highest level, it begins with God...and continues with understanding our place in Him. In its practical form, it begins with changing our thoughts. Changing what we think about...what we meditate upon.
What I realized when I walked out of Powell's without making a purchase is that I have the only book I need...I just need to read it...and meditate on it. I have God's Word...the Bible. The best self-help book around. - Cathy
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Women's Worth (or "Ode to The C/Kathies. And an Annie."
One of my C/Kathies wrote a great blog today about the loneliness women can feel and how important it is to have our tribe/cheerleading squad/fabulous girlfriends at the ready. Especially this time of year, when we can feel assaulted by the happy intact family Hallmark brigade, it's important to take a break to remember.
I confess my father's recent death has hit me harder than I would have imagined. But in my reeling, I've had my friends stand sentry, even when I would have been more comfortable being alone in my grief, not liking to do the red-nosed ugly cry in front of an audience.
But Cathy came over that first day to walk, and has since listened and questioned and provided some amazing blueberry tea. She gets that you just need to show up, and has been waiting patiently at the ready for my dam to burst which, actually, happened last Friday.
Then yesterday, Cathy & Annie got it, laughing, when I questioned through my tears whether my seemingly distant God was enough when I had Ben & Jerry so close by. Plus Annie said she'd never have guessed that I'd gained weight, grazing through my grieving. I mean, c'mon. Does it get better?
Two other Kathies listen like wise women who know (and they do), and yet another Kathy asked to borrow my daughter this Saturday so they could bake cinnamon-y yeasty stuff. All day. And then have me back for dinner that night.
In and around the loneliness, the lostness, I have these amazing compass points. I've just got to look.
What do you need to tell your tribe this Christmas?
I confess my father's recent death has hit me harder than I would have imagined. But in my reeling, I've had my friends stand sentry, even when I would have been more comfortable being alone in my grief, not liking to do the red-nosed ugly cry in front of an audience.
But Cathy came over that first day to walk, and has since listened and questioned and provided some amazing blueberry tea. She gets that you just need to show up, and has been waiting patiently at the ready for my dam to burst which, actually, happened last Friday.
Then yesterday, Cathy & Annie got it, laughing, when I questioned through my tears whether my seemingly distant God was enough when I had Ben & Jerry so close by. Plus Annie said she'd never have guessed that I'd gained weight, grazing through my grieving. I mean, c'mon. Does it get better?
Two other Kathies listen like wise women who know (and they do), and yet another Kathy asked to borrow my daughter this Saturday so they could bake cinnamon-y yeasty stuff. All day. And then have me back for dinner that night.
In and around the loneliness, the lostness, I have these amazing compass points. I've just got to look.
What do you need to tell your tribe this Christmas?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Death and Life
So, my dad died a week ago today from injuries sustained in a car accident.
I have been "fatherless" for a week, technically speaking. But based on our rocky relationship, I have been fatherless for far longer due to numerous understandings and misunderstandings. But I have to say, this past week I've been acutely aware that I have one less layer of protection in the world, even though I stopped needing a dad years ago, even though he hadn't been my "dad" for years.
I spoke with a pastor today who commented dryly that single parenthood wasn't a very sexy cause, so to speak, but that single parents impact us all--individually, societally, corporately. We need to be committed to them, to each other, even though our life's not terribly glamorous, even though it's often a slog, day in, day out...first right then left.
I know a little more about my father now that he's died. I know more the reasons of why, perhaps, he didn't have it in him to do the daily slog with me.
I know that God in His mercy has seen fit to give me the best rental dads a girl could ask for. And one special one who's considering a lease-to-buy option. :)
I know that I didn't want to need things from my dad. But maybe he needed to be needed.
As I continue to process his death and my new place in life, I'm reminded that I need to stay anchored. It is easy to feel alone and untethered as a single mom, and especially easy now with the thought that occupies much of my time and brainspace these days: Huh. He's gone. Some friends who've lost parents already have been especially tender with me, knowing the questioning, understanding the floundering and for that, I'm especially grateful.
But as much as I ache for a different ending with him, I know that I must continue contributing to a different ending of my own. It's why I want to continue this good work started here with Eve's Daughters and why I continually invite others to join me.
Maybe we'll get to the point where there's community instead of polarity, of a miles-traveled marathon versus a quick check-in. Maybe our glamorless status will become nearly comical in its irony: Because we'll have each other, and that's a thing a beauty.
And perhaps most important, those relationships create another layer of protection: of caring, of concern, of listening, laughing, crying, walking...living...in an uncertain world. And maybe that's plenty more than any of us can hope for, giving or receiving.
-Karen
I have been "fatherless" for a week, technically speaking. But based on our rocky relationship, I have been fatherless for far longer due to numerous understandings and misunderstandings. But I have to say, this past week I've been acutely aware that I have one less layer of protection in the world, even though I stopped needing a dad years ago, even though he hadn't been my "dad" for years.
I spoke with a pastor today who commented dryly that single parenthood wasn't a very sexy cause, so to speak, but that single parents impact us all--individually, societally, corporately. We need to be committed to them, to each other, even though our life's not terribly glamorous, even though it's often a slog, day in, day out...first right then left.
I know a little more about my father now that he's died. I know more the reasons of why, perhaps, he didn't have it in him to do the daily slog with me.
I know that God in His mercy has seen fit to give me the best rental dads a girl could ask for. And one special one who's considering a lease-to-buy option. :)
I know that I didn't want to need things from my dad. But maybe he needed to be needed.
As I continue to process his death and my new place in life, I'm reminded that I need to stay anchored. It is easy to feel alone and untethered as a single mom, and especially easy now with the thought that occupies much of my time and brainspace these days: Huh. He's gone. Some friends who've lost parents already have been especially tender with me, knowing the questioning, understanding the floundering and for that, I'm especially grateful.
But as much as I ache for a different ending with him, I know that I must continue contributing to a different ending of my own. It's why I want to continue this good work started here with Eve's Daughters and why I continually invite others to join me.
Maybe we'll get to the point where there's community instead of polarity, of a miles-traveled marathon versus a quick check-in. Maybe our glamorless status will become nearly comical in its irony: Because we'll have each other, and that's a thing a beauty.
And perhaps most important, those relationships create another layer of protection: of caring, of concern, of listening, laughing, crying, walking...living...in an uncertain world. And maybe that's plenty more than any of us can hope for, giving or receiving.
-Karen
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Do Over...
Is it possible to get a “do over”? I want one…not because I feel I need to right a wrong; not because I want to take something back that I said; not because I simply messed up. No, I want a do over because my kids have grown up and I’m not ready…
How does it happen? It seems like just yesterday I found myself a single mom. Then E was 7 months old and J was 3 years old, and now E is 15 and J is 18…a man…an adult!
Today E and I walked to the elementary school so that she could work on her hitting and pitching. When we were done and I was walking the track…silent tears hit my cheeks. Why can’t I have the time back? Why can’t I be sitting in the gym waiting for J to play a revolutionary soldier and E to play a recycling cheerleader? Where did all the time go?
I write this as J heads to watch the Westview girls play in the state soccer championship…his high school career finished. Where did the time go? Just yesterday we were checking mountain passes for snow so we knew the best route for a soccer game in Bend…
One of the hardest things about being a single mom is that we tend to just survive the moments…instead of enjoying them. We are too exhausted to do otherwise…we have so much to do…so much to organize.
Today I want a do over…I want to stop trying to orchestrate everything, live in each moment, and love each interaction with the kids. The interactions of today are different, but they are still moments…still memories…still love. It’s never too late. I may not get the do over that I dream of (starting back at kindergarten and reliving the moments), but I do get a do over in terms of attitude…I can look for the good in each interaction…each moment…each word. I can smile at past memories and focus on living in the new ones…
I’m not ready for E and J to grow up, but I am getting used to it. Life isn’t over…it is a continuation. I do get a do over of sorts…today I choose to enjoy each moment and make new memories to add to the fabulous ones of the past. Today I get a “perspective” do over. I challenge each of you to do the same...whether a single mom, a married mom, an aunt, or grandma...live in each moment...make memories...and think upon the good in it all...past, present and future.
How does it happen? It seems like just yesterday I found myself a single mom. Then E was 7 months old and J was 3 years old, and now E is 15 and J is 18…a man…an adult!
Today E and I walked to the elementary school so that she could work on her hitting and pitching. When we were done and I was walking the track…silent tears hit my cheeks. Why can’t I have the time back? Why can’t I be sitting in the gym waiting for J to play a revolutionary soldier and E to play a recycling cheerleader? Where did all the time go?
I write this as J heads to watch the Westview girls play in the state soccer championship…his high school career finished. Where did the time go? Just yesterday we were checking mountain passes for snow so we knew the best route for a soccer game in Bend…
One of the hardest things about being a single mom is that we tend to just survive the moments…instead of enjoying them. We are too exhausted to do otherwise…we have so much to do…so much to organize.
Today I want a do over…I want to stop trying to orchestrate everything, live in each moment, and love each interaction with the kids. The interactions of today are different, but they are still moments…still memories…still love. It’s never too late. I may not get the do over that I dream of (starting back at kindergarten and reliving the moments), but I do get a do over in terms of attitude…I can look for the good in each interaction…each moment…each word. I can smile at past memories and focus on living in the new ones…
I’m not ready for E and J to grow up, but I am getting used to it. Life isn’t over…it is a continuation. I do get a do over of sorts…today I choose to enjoy each moment and make new memories to add to the fabulous ones of the past. Today I get a “perspective” do over. I challenge each of you to do the same...whether a single mom, a married mom, an aunt, or grandma...live in each moment...make memories...and think upon the good in it all...past, present and future.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The Lonelies
Cath & I were just discussing yesterday how we've kinda dropped the ball with regard to blogging. It's not for lack of work; there has been lots of activity, not the least of which is our first fundraising effort. But if you're like me, you know it's easy to put your head down, dig in, work a lot...and feel totally disconnected from the human race. And *then* I wonder why I feel so lonely...
I'm always amazed that my daughter is so young but she *gets* it. She knows, every now and again, to declare it Jamma Day and just hang around, chilling. I'm sure she did not learn this from me. She wants to snuggle on the couch, watch too much TV and connect with me, while I'm...looking at my watch and thinking how much there is to do.
Call it the Clash of the Types: I'm an A (maybe even an A+!) and E is somewhere lower in the alphabet. Perhaps a Q or so. But I don't sense in her the (sometimes inherent) loneliness I feel from moving constantly. It seems she knows how to unplug, charge up and re-group.
I wonder: Did I know this long ago, before life caught up with me?
I'm so thankful for a business partner like Cath, to whom I can say, "I'm just struggling and I feel alone" and know she doesn't feel tasked with fixing anything. My friend Rebecca filled that bill last weekend, and my brother the other day. Perhaps as single moms, we need that connection even m0re, so we can turn back around and plug into our kids again, successfully, rather than losing all our juice. Not to mention plug into each other so we can keep encouraging and keep going.
I know the disconnect is temporary, and that I'm less alone than I think. But maybe it's during these times that we learn the good reminder to stop and reach out, instead of treading even faster.
I'm always amazed that my daughter is so young but she *gets* it. She knows, every now and again, to declare it Jamma Day and just hang around, chilling. I'm sure she did not learn this from me. She wants to snuggle on the couch, watch too much TV and connect with me, while I'm...looking at my watch and thinking how much there is to do.
Call it the Clash of the Types: I'm an A (maybe even an A+!) and E is somewhere lower in the alphabet. Perhaps a Q or so. But I don't sense in her the (sometimes inherent) loneliness I feel from moving constantly. It seems she knows how to unplug, charge up and re-group.
I wonder: Did I know this long ago, before life caught up with me?
I'm so thankful for a business partner like Cath, to whom I can say, "I'm just struggling and I feel alone" and know she doesn't feel tasked with fixing anything. My friend Rebecca filled that bill last weekend, and my brother the other day. Perhaps as single moms, we need that connection even m0re, so we can turn back around and plug into our kids again, successfully, rather than losing all our juice. Not to mention plug into each other so we can keep encouraging and keep going.
I know the disconnect is temporary, and that I'm less alone than I think. But maybe it's during these times that we learn the good reminder to stop and reach out, instead of treading even faster.
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